


they call me coffee (cuz i grind so fine)

by shirosayas (landfill)



Category: Monsta X (Band), No.MERCY (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-23 23:56:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7484934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/landfill/pseuds/shirosayas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which changkyun is the newly hired manager at monbébé cafe and wonho's favourite lollipop is now lime flavoured.</p><p>or alternatively, the one where kihyun prays for the strength to handle his ungrateful employees.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. this world is so unfair

**Author's Note:**

> earlier titles included: "are you my order? cause i like you a latte.", "they call me chai cause I like to get dirty." and just about as many wonho-esque shameless pick up lines and poor attempts at coffee puns as you can imagine. i started writing this last november, can you believe? but anyways, after months of procrastination and poor life management, here it is.
> 
> as always, dedicated to the [love of my life](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lucitae), the soul of me, my one and only, and very precious senpai. v u v you deserve better than this hot mess but this is all i can give you rn. pls love me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kihyun faces an internal crisis. clearly his problems are _everyone's_ problems. minhyuk doesn't seem to agree and jooheon honestly don't care.

"Stop flirting with the customers!"

"I'm not!" Wonho sputters and bows to take his leave, but not before quickly leaving a wink over his shoulders that has the girls on Table Nine squealing for dear life. To this day, Kihyun still questions what they saw in him. In his eyes, he sees a constantly distracted, non-productive employee who serves out headaches better than he serves coffee. Yet he can't even reduce Wonho's paycheck because it's a no-brainer that their profits has marginally increased since his employment. So he just has to put up with it because this world is honestly so unfair.

"Table Three needs their orders taken," Kihyun says, grumbling as he turns back to his morning paper by the kitchen, "get on with it."

There's no response. To which Kihyun waits until he has to take the effort to turn his head, again, only to see Wonho laughing with the customers on Table Two – which last he checked, was  _not_  Table Three.

"Did you hear me?" he quietly hisses, but he's practically drowned out of the scene as the girls from the other tables flock around closer to Wonho. These girls honestly have no taste, but whatever. He's long past the point of jealousy because being angry at his (only very, very slightly) less than socially desired genes was futile and tiresome to a default. Drawing up disgust however, comes so much more naturally instead; so that's exactly what he does.

As if on cue, one of the girls then proceeded to playfully hit the waiter's arm, a very tangible blush on her cheeks and they're actually  _giggling_ in tandem _._ There is a very immediate urge for Kihyun to empty the remains of the cheaply made breakfast inside his stomach all over the pristine wooden floors. But that's also too much work so he settles with silent seething and scrunches his nose in distaste instead.

"It's okay, I'll get it," says Kwangji, popping up from the pastry case, already taking out his notepad and pen.

"Thank you,"  _for your existence_  Kihyun wanted to say,  _and also for being the only one that knows how to do actual work._ But Kwangji already knows, patting his employer on the back in consolation as he walks over to the waiting table. Bless Kwangji, Kihyun thinks, and then passes his attention toward the counter, eyes narrowing at Underperforming Employee No.2. "And may I ask, what are _you_ doing?"  

"Uploading a new selca to my Instagram, I can't keep my followers waiting," is Minhyuk's response, fingers thrown into a V sign to maximise his supposed appeal or whatever (again. Kihyun sees nothing). A couple of excruciating shutter sounds going off later and he finally turns to acknowledge his employer, "actually, could you help me pick out which one is cuter?"

"If I actually care – which I don't – then I would tell you that those followers don't actually care – like I do – so pick whatever you want," Kihyun answers, promptly turning back to his newspaper. Honestly he's starting to think that some of them are getting payed way more than they deserved. Speaking of which: "And may I remind you," he squints, "you're still at work."

"Duh, why else am I doing it now?" Minhyuk rolls his eyes, but lips immediately curls into another smile as he faces his camera once more, "my followers," _snap,_ "need," _snap,_ "to see," _snap,_ "what a hardworking and cute barista I am."

Kihyun on one hand, just wanted to snicker at the irony, "I'm sure your hundreds and thousands of supposed 'followers', who has never shown up to our cafe, will care _immensely_ , thank you for your contribution to the world."

"Jealousy will just give you more wrinkles old man," says Minhyuk, who then decidedly ignores him to take another picture. Kihyun just scowls, but then remembers that he can, in fact, reduce Minhyuk's paycheck. Perhaps this world isn't so unfair after all.

"Where's Hyunwoo?" he asks when Kwangji returns to the counter, but he doesn't get to hear an answer because their attention is distracted by the bell of the door and the obnoxiously familiar yelling of––

"Coming through! Coming through!" Jooheon announces his entrance, carrying a much too large crate that he's struggling to look above of. Which, of course, prompts Kwangji to run over and help him carry it inside before he accidentally runs someone over. Or himself. Whichever happens first. 

"Why aren't you carrying it through the back, what on earth are you guys doing?" Kihyun scolds, but doesn't actually bother to budge from his seat, or his newspaper at all. It's too early for him to summon any more fucks to give, even if his employees are potentially damaging the cafe's image through their incompetence. But that's nothing new.

"Sorry man," Jooheon says when he walks past him, "we already tried fitting everything in the storage. There's no space."

But this time he has Kihyun's full attention, whom is now skeptically looking at his employee as the latter places the crate down with Kwangji's help. "No space? What do you mean there's no space??"

"Haven't you seen the inventory this morning?" Kwangji speaks this time, raising a brow, "I was wondering why you made such a big order this time."

"What do you--" and Kihyun finally drops the newspaper in his hands as the blood drains from his face, immediately making his way towards their storage room. It doesn't take very long for everyone to hear a string of very alarmed, partly agonised, but overall angry screeches that can mostly be summed up with "WHAT. THE ACTUAL. FUCK!?" That, of course, prompts Kwangji to immediately run over to check on him.

Wonho blinks at all the commotion, but then decides it's not worth that much of his attention and resumes sharing some eyelining tips to his fangirls –– to which Jooheon decides to add comments like "gAAAAAAY!" as if he's not the one jerking off to a handful (pun not intended) amount of homoerotica almost every other day.

Minhyuk meanwhile, finally decided to post a photoset instead. Simply because he couldn't decide over his own face, it's _much_ too difficult. The instant numbers of hearts seems to leave him thoroughly gratified enough. "So. What happened?"

 

 

As it turns out, Kihyun may have made a mistake with the inventory orders last week and added an extra zero in one of the quantity section. Probably because he was simultaneously fighting 2am sleepiness and the urge to poison one of the cookies bags on display, so that whichever one of his "hardworking" employees whom next decides to snack on them will suffer a rightfully, agonising death. Gluttony _is_ a sin, you know.

But of course that didn't happen; he ended up falling asleep and had to frantically finish the paperwork when he first woke, hence here we are. And as for delivering judgement by weaponising baked snacks, well he decided against that. In the case that an unfortunate customer happens with them instead.

Oh, and uh, something about morals and not actually wanting to kill his employees. Right. That too. 

So in summation, they are severely overstocked. Or as Minhyuk would better eloquently put it: "when ur boss is dumb af lmAO #bankrupt #failure #imeanyouoldman #LOL #wait #doesthismeaniwonthaveajob"

Needless to say, he never managed to actually post that tweet because somehow, the barista broke himself down in tears from the realisation of his own epiphany. If this was any other day then Kihyun would think that karma truly delivers, but they had a situation. So they're quickly gathered up in the back room at the start of lunch break by the overly distressed employer. Perhaps it is not too late to discuss the possibilities of salvation. 

 

Or perhaps not.

 

"We can't sell all this," Kihyun finally groans, flicking through the paperworks over and over again, "it's going to take a fucking miracle. And last I checked, miracles don't happen. Not to middle class entrepreneurs that are hankering on the verge of bankruptcy!"

"Man you need to chill," Jooheon says while furiously tapping at his phone. Kihyun questions why he even bothered to think that this slacker could've actually contribute. "If we  _can_  sell everything, like, think of all the money you'll make. You'll be rich for life."

Kihyun narrows his eyes, "Do you think this is the fucking flea market? Cause I'm not buying any of that bullshit."

"Technically this is a coffee shop and you can still buy stuff so––"

"Stop speaking. Please. Stop speaking," Kihyun sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I need to think."

Jooheon just shrugs, skipping out of the room to the counter where he can probably snack on more stuff. If he assumes this isn't deducted from his wages then he is sorely mistaken Kihyun thinks. But there are more pressing matters at hand than his employees being thieving thieves reducing the potential of his profits.

"Why don't we just put them all in the freezer or something?" Wonho so helpfully suggests. " _Nothing_ expires in the freezer."

Kihyun stares at him in silence, left eye momentarily twitching, "How about I put _you_ in the freezer and see if you don't expi––"

"You can't store coffee beans in the freezer," Kwangji quickly cuts in; partly to correct Wonho but mostly to save the waiter from Kihyun's growing homocidal urges, "sorry Hoseok-ah."

Wonho just sighs, unaware of his newly extended lifespan while Minhyuk pats his back sympathetically. What is there to sympathise about? Kihyun doesn't know. Kihyun doesn't care. But watching the two console their mutual sorrows by taking and uploading another photoset on Minhyuk's instagram (Wonho liking the picture immediately after because that's the kind of narcissist he is) strangely consoles him in turn as well; because he's forever reminded that there's always another level of pathetic that he, thankfully, won't reach. _#blessed._

Then he turns to Hyunwoo, brows raised as if he's expecting something uncharacteristically to happen: like, for him to actually speak, or something. "Don't you have anything to say?"

Hyunwoo seems to blank out for awhile and Kihyun is already silently regretting his life decisions because it honestly looks like the barista is experiencing actual physical discomfort from just _trying_ to think of something to say alone. Oh god is he _sweating_? He's actually sweating.  _Someone else please say something._ Kihyun prays.  _Anything._

And that's when Kwangji finally stands, grabbing his jacket from the chair. Kihyun would've been so grateful if it weren't for the fact that Kwangji appears to be heading towards the door. As in leaving. As in walking out on him. "Where are you going?" Kihyun says, momentarily alarmed; he is not about to let his  ~~only competent~~ employee leave on him now, "I still need you!"

"I think I might know a guy or two that can help us," Kwangji smiles reassuringly, "I'll be back don't worry."

"But––" Kihyun starts, but Kwangji is already out the door and so are the last remnants of his hope. This _cannot_ get any worse.

"Yo man," says Jooheon, suddenly peeking back inside moments later, "I think we might needa replace the cookie bags." His face grimaces, "Some of them are stale as _fuck_." 

Kihyun's eye twitches again. He knew he should've poisoned those fucking cookies.


	2. don't play with the devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kwangji brings the help they all need and minhyuk tries to give wonho some advice. wonho doesn't listen.

"So..." Wonho starts.

Minhyuk's crept behind him, throwing a suspicious look over the older's shoulder. "So..."

"So?" Jooheon repeats after them, gaze passing towards Kihyun expectantly. 

Kihyun rolls his eyes in response. _These lazy fuckers_. "Okay, fine, I'll say it," he grumbles, motioning towards the boy by Kwangji's side because obviously nobody else will, "so who is this?"

"This is Changkyun," says Kwangji, palm resting on said boy's shoulder reassuringly, "he's my sister's-boyfriend's-brother and I asked him to come help us."

"No offence, to uh, both of you," Kihyun says, taking a closer look. He seriously wonders if this kid is actually legal, even if Kwangji claims otherwise. "But how exactly is your sister's-cousin's-girlfriend's-manchild-something going to help us?"

"Well for starters, he's a business major, and––"

"I have some experience," the boy, Changkyun or something Kihyun thinks, finally speaks, "and I don't think you really have any incentive to dismiss me. Considering the state you're in."

"That still doesn't answer the question," Minhyuk mumbles under his breath. Where did Kwangji even find this upstart kid?

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude," the boy says, defensively. Suddenly he doesn't look as assertive as he was before, "I just want to help, that's all."

"Let's just talk inside," Kwangji pats his back encouragingly. Leading the way towards the back room while everyone follows suit. Minhyuk is still grumbling about how this is such a hassle until Wonho suddenly stops in his tracks, prompting (almost) everyone to look back at him.

"Wait _,_ " Wonho says, "technically, we're _already_  inside."

Kihyun is about  _this_ close from rolling his eyes all the way into his head. 

 

 

"You want us to what?"

"Rebrand yourselves," Changkyun repeats with a push of his glasses; it really only makes him look that much more like some class president high school kid. The way he talks definitely doesn't help. "If you guys can recreate the cafe's image to something a whole lot more marketable you can bring in the sales you need to take care of your stock."

"Okay wait," Minhyuk frowns, "was any of that even Korean?"

"Think of it as like, uh," Changkyun mumbles, wondering how else to simplify this, "redecorating the place?"

"I still don't get it."

Wonho tsks at that, "Basically. He want us to update the cafe and give it a new filter. Duh."

Jooheon starts snickering in the background and Kihyun honestly doesn't know which is sadder. That sorry excuse for an analogy being used as an explanation or that Wonho actually delivered that line with so much misplaced confidence. _So much_.

"Uh..." Changkyun drawls, not entirely sure if he got his point across but well, "something like that, yes?"

"You could've just said that in the first place," Minhyuk pouts, then turns to look around the place. "But now this I can get on board with this," he says wistfully. Kihyun definitely didn't miss that look of utter judgment and pity(?) on the barista's face. "God this place needs a makeover."

"I am going to pretend that I didn't just hear you indirectly insulting  _my_ cafe and _your_ only workplace," Kihyun 'gently' reminds, giving Minhyuk a brief glance of utter disappointment before turning to Changkyun, "so what are you proposing?"

"I did some research around this area," the boy says, twirling his finger, "and well, your shop in particular." This is when he reaches inside his backpack to take out his laptop while everyone watches with interest. A couple of keyboard taps later and he turns the screen, showing Kihyun a bunch of charts and documents he honestly couldn't care less about until he looked a little closer. Reports. As in those heavily detailed business reports Kihyun remembers having as assignments during his academic years (the horror). 

"How on earth?" Kihyun says, still gawking at the laptop. 

"Told you he could help," Kwangji grins like the proud faux-paternal figure he always is. Honestly if he wasn't tied down here by Kihyun (yes he admits it), he'd probably be found working in a daycare center or something. Not that Kihyun's sure there's a difference between children and the other idiots in his employment. 

Meanwhile, Minhyuk crosses his arms, still confused as to what he should be impressed about. "Please translate," he nudges Wonho's arm, "they lost me again."

This time Wonho shrugs, "I stopped paying attention awhile ago."

Minhyuk sighs, the reply killing whatever remnants of fucks he has to give. So he whips out his phone and walks over to join Jooheon, who is still trying to beat his Color Switch high score (hint: he won't). On any other occasion, Wonho would've definitely tagged along. Except he didn't really explain the part where he lost interest in the business talk more because of a 'distraction' rather than boredom.

"Please don't flatter me," Changkyun fake coughs very, very distractingly damn it, "Kwangji-hyung's the one who gave me your sale reports."

"You don't have to be humble kid," Kwangji ruffles his hair, the boy whining a sound that suddenly constricts the air in Wonho's throat. He may or may have not choked a little. 

"Less bonding," Kihyun cuts in, "more discussing on how to prevent my early mid-life crisis, please."

"Uh well," Changkyun clears his throat, fumbling with the keys some more, "considering the fact your establishment is relatively new to the area. It seems to be doing... alright."

Kihyun squints at that, because everybody and their mothers know 'you're doing alright' is just the sugarcoated way of saying 'you could be doing better'. Changkyun's blunt but at least he knows how to soften the edges. 

"Strangely though, you have quite a reasonable customer base of females ranging from teens to young adults," the boy continues, "which was kind of weird because I couldn't find anything that differentiated you enough to skew the demographic this way." Then he turns, looking directly at Wonho for the first time, and the waiter visibly tenses, "until Kwangji-hyung told me some things..."

Kihyun blinks back and forth between them in growing horror. The implications are even enough to perk Jooheon and Minhyuk's attention again and has their employer's mouth go dry, looking at Changkyun grimly, "are you... suggesting."

"Yes," Changkyun nods much to Kihyun's chagrin. "We should capitalise on that."

"Capitalise on that? What? Are we going to turn into some Flower Boy Coffee Shop? Haha," Kihyun laughs very, very weakly. There is a long, uncomfortably awkward silence that follows Changkyun's lack of reply. Which is evident enough to signal where this was all heading. 

"You can't be serious," Jooheon speaks first, alarmed, "we ain't flower boy material."

Wonho and Minhyuk clearly took that as an insult because they immediately side-eyes him in unison, "Speak for yourself." 

"Honestly, there are some risks," Changkyun admits, "but I don't think you guys have anything to lose at this point."

"Besides our dignity," mumbles Jooheon.

"And," Wonho starts, "I mean, I'm not trying to be modest, but even my good looks––" he pauses at a cough of reminder from Minhyuk, "even  _our_ good looks can only carry this plan so far."

Minhyuk nods along with him in agreement, "Besides, we'd feel _so_ burdened. Not that the rest of you would understa––."

"This might work," Kihyun says calmly, taking slow, even breaths. "This have to work."

Jooheon, as easily amused as he is, definitely does not consider this a funny joke. At all. "You're kidding. This will never work."

"All that desperation has finally gotten into his head." Minhyuk shakes his head in pity. "Tragic." 

Kihyun immediately snaps his head at them in agitation because of course they have to shit all over his vibes, "well unless _any_ of you have any other _brilliant_ idea. Which I know you don't. We're going with this."

And that was the cue for the flames to start before they combust into an all-out argument. Meanwhile, Wonho watches as Kwangji gives Changkyun a gentle pat on the back as some sort of affectionate reward. It makes him feel a little envious; probably because the exchange reminds him of his own dongsaeng (oh, how children grows) and definitely not because he lowkey might want to adopt Changkyun as well. Wait what?

"Don't worry about them, we'll sort it out," Kwangji smiles. "Thanks for coming today, by the way." 

"I'm not even sure if I actually helped at all," Changkyun says, glancing the escalating mess in the background, "but any time hyung." He smiles brightly in return and it's not even directed at Wonho but there's a mantra of _cute cute cute_  already chanting in the waiter's head. Unfortunately, the spell is broken when he realises Changkyun is taking his belongings and was actually preparing _to leave_. 

"It was nice meeting you all," he says with a bow, the farewell making Wonho's face fall in disappointment. "If you don't mind I'll––"

That's when Kihyun cuts him off, eyes narrowing into slits, "where _exactly_ do you think you're going?"

"Uh," Changkyun stops in his place, looking momentarily puzzled. "Home?" 

"Well, that's not happening," Kihyun says, like it's a matter of fact. Whatever it is, Wonho is _extremely_ grateful, "I need someone to be in charge of this whole 'rebranding' thing."

"But I'm..." Changkyun hesitates, he's kinda cute when he stammers, "I don't––"

"You're hired."

 

 

"I did _not_ , hire him for this."

"Changkyun said everyone needs to contribute," Minhyuk shrugs, shoving the outfit at Kihyun, "and that includes you."

"Why do I also have to wear the uniform??" Kihyun asks, absolutely incredulous. This was _his_ cafe; a.k.a.  _his_ property, a.k.a.  _his_ land, a.k.a. he should be able to do _whatever the hell he wants_. Is that not how the laws of territory works?

"I know right," Minhyuk snickers, "I can't believe he thinks you're actually attractive enough to be a waiter."

"Wait what?"

"I told him you wouldn't do it," Minhyuk sighs with a shake of his head. "Honestly, when have you ever lifted a finge––"

"Give it."

"What?" Minhyuk blinks in surprise.

Kihyun scowl deepened, "Give me the fucking uniform."

"Oh my god," Minhyuk gasps, relinquishing the outfit to Kihyun in disbelief. "This is it. The end is nigh." 

"Keep that up, and your next paycheck goes out the window." To which Minhyuk raises a brow at him, doubtful, because everyone knows too well. Kihyun would never throw his own cash out the window. He'll probably throw it, like, directly into his wallet or something. "You know what I mean."

"UGH," Minhyuk crosses his arms, exasperated, and promptly leaves. Walking out, he silently thanks the gods; because in his fortune, Wonho is currently loitering around by the counter. And if there is anyone in this shitty cafe that would always understand Minhyuk's plight, it was Wonho. _Bless Wonho_.

"Hyung. Help," he groans, dramatically draping himself over a vacant space. "The world is against me."

"What happened?" Wonho blinks, Minhyuk doesn't even notice that the older is busy looking around elsewhere. "Actually, have you seen Changkyun? I haven't seen him all morning."

"I don't like that kid," Minhyuk frowns at the reminder. "He's gotten everyone sucked into this whole thing."

"Huh," Wonho mumbles distractedly, "has he?" 

"Yes, can't you see it hyung?" Minhyuk bemoans, finally lifting himself up to rest his chin on the palm of his hand. "His existence practically _screams_ the devil."

At that exact opportune moment, the door bell rings and Changkyun's walking inside. He's reading some documents in his hands very intently or whatever; Wonho honestly isn't paying attention because wow, the boy looks even better in a button-up than that flimsy baseball jersey from yesterday. The waiter sighs dreamily. He's even cuter when he's squinting (but like, he's the cute kind of squinting, not the I-want-to-murder-you-and-dump-the-body-into-the-Han-river Kihyun kind of squinting). _Wait_. Wonho finally notices. He's not wearing his glasses, is that why he's squinting? _That's adorable_.

"I don't know," Wonho shrugs as Changkyun passes by the counter, still too concentrated to notice their presence. "He's kinda cute."

"Cute my round, perfect ass," Minhyuk bites, watching as Wonho stares at Changkyun in admiration with disgust. "If you like him so much then go talk to him."

"You know what? Maybe I will," Wonho decides, rushing over to block the walkway before Changkyun can disappear into the kitchen. He succeeds because the boy is finally turning away from the paper, looking up at Wonho confusedly. Maybe Kwangji's influence is rubbing off on him or something because the waiter is suddenly feeling this overwhelming urge to squeeze Changkyun's face and possibly never let go. Just look at _those cheeks_.

"Oh hey there," Wonho greets, supplying the usual teeth-flashing grin that he supposedly melt hearts with. " _Changkyun_ was it?" he adds with an air of faux-nonchalance that even Minhyuk had to gag at. If only he could actually pull off the aloof-tsundere act and pretend as if he obviously isn't internally giddy over the fact that he _finally_  get to say Changkyun's name and did Wonho mention how  _even his name_ is cute and––

"Can you please move?" the boy states plainly. "You're sort of in the way." 

Wonho suddenly felt like he was being shot. 

"W-What?" the waiter says, internally choking in disbelief. What is this? What is happening? Is this what they call...  _rejection???_

"Wonho-ssi please," Changkyun reaffirms, there's definitely no underlying malice intended in his words but Wonho doesn't seem to notice, "I need to get to the back room. This is urgent."

"I'm... in the way," Wonho mumbles, slowly backing out of the doorway to slump against the wall.

Changkyun raises a brow at the waiter, but then remembers Kwangji's advice ("These guys are kind of, eccentric, sometimes. Don't mind them too much hm?") and decided he doesn't need to worry. The boy mumbling a quiet "thank you" before quickly making his way inside to resume his errand.

Wonho curls up against the wall, hugging his knees dejectedly as he continues rambling to himself. _I'm in the way. I'm in the way. I'm in the way._  And Minhyuk, who unfortunately witnessed this pathetic exchange, is shaking his head in absolute judgement before whipping out his phone. Only to make it look as natural as possible when one of his hand slides over to discretely take one of the cookie bags _still_ on display. Kihyun can complain all he wants but the only people who wants to eat his shitty cookies are his employees and it's about high-time he started thanking them for it. 

Moments later, Kwangji is exiting the kitchen to finish up preparations for the grand event later on. But he jolts in surprise when we sees Wonho moping by the entrance, who is silently going through  _another_  cycle of grief: _("It can't be. Me? Rejected??")("How can anyone reject this?!")("Is it because of my cologne?")("So this is what cold, cruel reality is like.")("Wait. Did I lock the door when I left today?")_

"What's up with him?" Kwangji motions towards the waiter. 

"He tried to play with the devil," Minhyuk grins from the counter, "and he got _burnt_."

At that, Wonho audibly chokes on his metaphorical tears. Im Changkyun _is_  the devil.


	3. we don't sell pepper fries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> changkyun gets adopted and kihyun hires someone new. meanwhile, minhyuk just wants justice and equality.

"Here it is," Kihyun smiles in satisfaction as he stands outside the cafe, "Monbébé Cafe grand reopening!"

He scans the establishment from top to bottom, looking at everything from their brand new banners (read: they changed the colours of the lights) to redecorated signs (read: pink chalks and flower pins makes _everything_ better) with pride. So this is what it feels like to see your own child grow up to be the metaphoric man, or woman, you always knew they could be. "Oh, I could _almost_ cry."

"Why is he trying to glorify this even further?" Jooheon whispers as they're all lined up by the entrance, "all we did was cleaned the place, sprayed some air freshener and ironed a few shirts."

"Take that 'we' out cause you didn't do shit," Minhyuk snaps, adjusting his bowtie, "seriously how the hell did you get hired as the janitor?"

"Don't sweat the details. Besides, I could say the same with you," Jooheon snickers through his round rimmed glasses, which is ironically only a glorified accessory itself because they all know he doesn't _actually_ need glasses. "But are we seriously letting this happen? Isn't he usually the one saying that  _we_ need reality checks? Because this is reality and nobody is checking him."

Minhyuk grins gleefully at that, "I, for the record, vote leaving him to continue indulging in that false sense of accomplishment until he realises how pointless and stupid all his efforts are."

"I can hear the both of you from over here," Kihyun finally says, effectively shutting the both of them up. Truth is, he actually didn't hear anything. But judging from the way they were sniggering like the assholes he knows they are. They were probably talking smack. And an employer's instinct is _never_ wrong.

"Where's Wonho?" Kwangji says, noticing an empty presence or a lack thereof, within their midst. "Is he still sulking?"

"Yup," Minhyuk replies without missing a beat. To which Changkyun perks up, looking back inside the cafe with concern. Could it have been about what happened earlier? 

"He'll recover soon enough," Minhyuk shrugs, unworried. "He's gotta learn."

"Thank you for your patience," Kihyun announces through the mic. They've actually managed to gather quite a crowd with all the commotion. Surprisingly. "In celebration of Monbébé Cafe's reopening, we're having an all-week discount!" To which the crowd immediately erupts into cheers and claps while Kihyun continues, basking in the glory of celebration, "50% off on all of your second purchases  _with_ a drink!" To which said cheers and claps, whilst still present, disappointingly quietened down _very_ slightly. 

Minhyuk silently snorts at the reception, "Does he even realise how cheap he sounds right now?"

"Ugh I'm more worried about how this'll mean more work for us," Jooheon groans. Which really means he's afraid he'd actually _have_ to fulfil his job description. Oh, the _horror_.

Kwangji puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly, "Chin up, it's still a bright day."

But Jooheon still isn't so convinced. "The only thing that's 'bright' about this day is the goddamn sun and our seizure-inducing LED banner," he quips, raising a palm to shield his eyes for further emphasis, "and both are killing my vision."

Minhyuk beams cheekily at that, immediately seeing the opportunity. "Really now? Can you even _see_ through those _small ey_ ––"

"I dare you to finish that fucking sentence," Jooheon glowers, "I dare you."

"Okay kids, break it up," Kwangji says, squeezing himself inbetween the both of them to diffuse the tension, "we still have a whole day ahead of us."

Jooheon is about to grumble in protest but honestly? Just one of Kwangji's smiles is more of a shutdown than any of the glares Kihyun delivers on a daily basis. But that's probably attributed to the fact that in all the years they've all known Kwangji; no one has yet to seen the older mad. And at this point in time, they probably _wouldn't_ want to.

"Okay dipshits," Kihyun says, walking back to them with the microphone still by his side, "today will not be like any of your usual slacker routines capiche? I want that _entire_ storage room empty _before_ my bills can even say 'hi'."

"This is like, literally, the worst pep talk ever," Minhyuk frowns.

Kwangji laughs, "Then how about this: if everyone can get through today, you can all come over for dinner at my place."

At that Minhyuk and Jooheon cheers in contentment. Because Kwangji is clearly godsent and also because no amount of ramyeon rotation at their place will be enough to convince their tastebuds that the greasy noodle life will _ever_ be better than Kwangji's home-made dishes. 

Kihyun rolls his eyes, as if his mouth isn't already watering at the prospect itself, and claps in dismissal. "Now let's get to it!"

 

 

"Hi there!" Minhyuk chirps. "Are you having a nice day? Welcome anyways! What can I get you?"

"Um," the girls says, eyes darting nervously, "is it okay if I get the small café au lait?"

"Sure!" Minhyuk smiles, punching in the right keys on the register, "can I get your name?"

"It's Minji."

Minhyuk nods, "Ok, I'll only take a second, just take a seat."

"A-Actually, I was wondering," the girl calls out, cheeks flushing. "Could Hyunwoo oppa make my order?"

Minhyuk's face fall at that, pouting, "Why is everyone asking for him? Do you all think my coffee is bad?"

"N-No, it's just..."

"Minhyuk," Kihyun suddenly pops by the counter, smiling kindly at the girl, "what the customer wants, the customer gets."

"Okay!" the barista smiles through gritted teeth, pasting the order note on Hyunwoo Oppar™'s side of the counter before momentarily skipping inside the kitchen. He takes one breath, two breaths, before finally resigning to angrily weep against one of the walls.

"I'M LOSING TO A GUY _THAT DOESN'T EVEN SPEAK_."

"I think that's actually his appeal," Kihyun comments as he's walking inside to grab the next batch of Blueberry Baby Cheesecakes.

"What appeal???" Minhyuk questions incredulously. To which the employer nods his head towards the counter where Hyunwoo is wordlessly handing out his orders to _a whole_ line of girls. One of them was unfortunately lucky enough to actually catch a semblance of a small smile on the barista's lips and proceeded to implode on the spot. Hyunwoo panicking and running over to snap her out of her daze _probably_ didn't help the immediate mental breakdown that followed. 

"Also, the less he opens his mouth, the less he comes off as pathetic," Kihyun continues, "unlike the other one outside."

 

"Oppa, what's wrong with you today?" one of the girls from Wonho's mini-fanclub finally asks. When Wonho turned to look at her, the melancholy still evident in his eyes, she weeps and falls against one of the other girls because: "goodbye, my kokoro can't take this." 

"I think, for the first time in my life," Wonho sighs wistfully, looking far into the distance–– or at Changkyun. It's probably one of them, but he'll insist on the former, "I've finally begun to understand both the beauties and woes of life." 

"What is he talking about?" one girl in the back whispers to her friend, whom just shrugs in response.

"Does it matter? He's still hot when he's acting sad like _how_ is that humanly possible?"

 

Kihyun sighs, "both of you should honestly take a note out of Hyunwoo's book and–– what are you fucking doing?"

Minhyuk just smiles even further into the camera as he snaps another picture, already driving out the bad vibes and Kihyun's incessant rambling. "Well, why be sad over a few girls who can't appreciate my aesthetics when there are _thousands_ of others who do?"

Kihyun stares at him, unamused as the barista takes another photo for his upcoming Instagram post. "You are beyond help. Like I am actually sad for you."

Minhyuk rolls his eyes in response, ignoring Kihyun's existence in lieu of returning to his post. His cheerful disposition is bound to attract the customers _eventually_. But he'll be damned if he didn't admit to wanting girls to stare at him like the way they stare at Hyunwoo or the way Wonho stares at Changkyun and _oh god here we go again_. 

"One grapefruit cappuccino and one café viennois was it?" Changkyun reiterates to the customers on a distant table, completely oblivious to the hawk vision Wonho has on him from across the room. The boy carefully settles down the drinks once he received a nod of confirmation. 

"Are you new?" the blond-haired customer asks, smiling softly, "I didn't see you last week."

"Yeah..." Changkyun nods hesitantly. "It's my first day actually."

"Well, that makes more sense," the guys slowly nods to himself, "cause I'm not normally one to just forget a _cute_ face."

Wonho fumes at the exchange, suddenly standing up from his corner. "Oh _hell_ no," the waiter snaps, rushing over to protectively pull Changkyun away from these dangerous men.

"Wonho-ssi... what are you doing?" The boy blinks, but Wonho just quietly hushes him, putting a finger against his lips.

"Shhhh, hyung got this," he says, turning to stare down intimidatingly (or at least he's trying to) at their customer. "You. What do you think you're doing to one of our family members?"

"Uh..." Changkyun drawls, "what do you mean by family member?" Because last he checked, he definitely _did not_ have a brother from another mother. Unless there was some serious revising that needed to be done with the family tree.

"This is a family! Don't you know?" Wonho pats at his head, presumably out of some form of reassurance but really it just comes off as condescending. "You're our youngest child now and as the eldest hyung, it is  _my_ duty to protect your innocence."

Changkyun doesn't know whether to be concerned over the fact that he'd just been metaphorically adopted or that there are _a lot_ of girls staring at him with looks he'd never seen before. Either way, he'd prefer living without both, "Wonho-ssi, this really isn't necessary."

"Sorry about him," Kwangji says, suddenly grabbing Wonho by the shoulders and quickly pulls the surprised waiter away from the table. Changkyun has to bite back an amused smile as he watches the older getting dragged off, all while continuing to wail in protest ( _"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_ )( _"Kwangji why aren't you protecting your son?!"_ )( _"You're leaving him to the mercy of stranger danger!"_ ).

"Your co-workers are funny," the guy comments.

"I supposed that's one way of putting it," Changkyun says before turning to bow at them, "if you need anything else please call me."

"Oh? Are you giving me permission to call you now?" the blond-haired grins cheekily, "I think that'll be easier if I have your number–– OW!" The guy halts, back hunching as he yelps in pain to clutch at his feet from under the table.

"I think we'll be fine, thanks," his dark-haired friend finally speaks. Changkyun gets the hint enough, respectfully leaving them in peace to return to the counter. 

"So far so good?" Kwangji asks whilst he steams the milk for their next orders.

"So far so good," Changkyun nods, scanning around the cafe. They've actually managed to gather a full house (even if half of the patrons have only paid the bare minimum to continue enjoying their eye candy). "I think?"

Kwangji laughs lightheartedly, "Well at least some of us are enjoying this more than others."

 

"Jooheon oppa, can I take a picture of you, please?"

"Jooheonie don't want to~" the janitor whines in a pitch Kihyun didn't think was postpubescent-ly possible, "I want a picture of us together!" To which the girl bursts into tears while the others squeals in jealously and immediately took out all of their phones in unison.

"I need to burn my eyes," Kihyun says. "And my ears."

 

By the end of day, the customer rush has relatively slowed down, so they were already preparing to close up. Except for Wonho, who is still sulking in one of the corner sofas, silently mulling to himself. He purposely ignores the incoming footsteps, still too lost in his thoughts about how he's basically the only member of the #ChangkyunProtectionSquad until there's a green lollipop hovering in his vision.

"What is this?" the waiter mumbles, puzzled, before looking up to see the manager in front of him and blinks wildly in shock.

"Leftovers," Changkyun answers a little bit too quickly, drawing a hesitant pause before he adds, "and for your hard work today."

"Oh," is Wonho's suave reply, but he can't help the grin that spread to his cheeks and crinkles his eyes. "Thanks."

Changkyun smiles softly at him and returns to help Minhyuk clean up the counter while Wonho stares at his retreating back in a daze. The waiter unwraps the candy and absentmindedly puts it in his mouth, only to immediately grimace in distaste. _Is this lime?_ He blanches. _Gross_. But then Changkyun turns his head and Wonho throws the lollipop back into his mouth without any hesitation. Managing to fake a smile of contentment before the both of them made eye contact once more, pink dusting on each other's cheeks.  

Jooheon winces as he's wiping down one of the tables nearby, watching as Wonho continues to stare blissfully at Changkyun, who is obviously pretending not to notice either out of discomfort or embarrassment but either way Jooheon shakes his head in both disapproval _and_ pity.

"He's _so_ whipped."

And then Changkyun had to retreat to the back room for some reason. Either way, Jooheon definitely doesn't miss the way happiness just  _dies_ on Wonho's face at the manager's eventual absence. 

" _So whipped_."

 

 

"And why does that matter?" 

"Dude, of course it matters," Jooheon scoffs, "whipped cream makes everything better _obviously._ "

Kihyun still isn't amused. "If I pretend to consider this ridiculous idea of putting whipped cream on the croque monsieurs will you finally leave us alone?"

"Fine. Reject my ingenuity," Jooheon says indignantly. " _Someday_ you will see the errors of your way."

" _Somehow_ , I highly doubt that," Kihyun sneers at the janitor as he finally takes his awaited leave. Clearly, morning meetings are definitely reserved for the employees with a functional brain. Then he turns to Changkyun, who is still typing up a sales report to check up on their progress for the past two days. "How is it looking so far?"

"I'm almost done," Changkyun murmurs, eyes still glued to the screen, "but our figures are looking pretty positive, so I think it'll be fine."

Kihyun closes his eyes at that. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the dough is definitely rolling. He couldn't think of a better way to peacefully begin another day.

"Whoisthat?!"

 _Of course._ Kihyun heaves a heavy sigh. _Of course I'm never going to have peace with these idiots around_. "Speak slowly, I can't understand you."

"Who. Is. That???" Minhyuk repeats, gesturing towards the ambiguous guy outside. He'd just been happily on his way to work until he'd realised there was  _another_ new face by the counter! Again! And in his spot no less!

"Oh that's... Hyungwon," Kihyun coughs, pretending not notice said new-hire filing his nails, gaze boring into his head through the window, "he's our new cashier."

"When did this _even_ happen?!" Minhyuk yelps in shock. "And what about me?! I thought _I_ was the cashier!"

"You're also a barista," Kihyun reminds him, "and it's about time you actually start doing barista work cause I'm not paying you money just to take selcas all day."

"Ugh. You're the worst boss _ever_ ," Minhyuk pouts, storming off to the kitchen.

Kihyun sighs, "Notice the part where he still remembers that I'm his boss? And I still get no respect around here."

Changkyun smiles at him sympathetically, "You're a fine boss, Kihyun-ssi." To which Kihyun would appreciate his attempt at comforting the employer's feelings, except his attention is on the new-hire who is quietly making his way over towards them for some reason.

"Hate to intrude and all," says Hyungwon, who's now leaning by the doorway, "but what do you want me to do?"

Kihyun blinks, caught off-guard, "...What?"

Hyungwon just looks at him tiredly, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "Well you don't expect me to just stand there and punch keys do you?"

"Well just... say hello," Kihyun pauses under the scrutinising gaze he's getting from the new-hire, "...and ask if you can help them." It's actually kind of intimidating.

"K," is the reply he gets and Kihyun doesn't know why he hadn't considered the pros and cons to this. Emphasis on the cons. But hey what's the worse that can happen?

And as if right on time, the bell chimes to signal the arrival of the first customer of the day. _Perfect,_ Kihyun thinks, now the employer can see the new cashier's abilities for himself (which in retrospect, _should've_ been the first thing he did before guaranteeing a stranger a paid position ~~just because he was somewhat attractive~~ ).

"Hello," Hyungwon repeats robotically and Kihyun wanted to just cry right there. Even worse, his nonchalance was almost matching with the customer herself. "How can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'll get a double shot iced pumpkin spice latte with extra whip," the girl says, lips smacking with a mouth full of gum, "and I'm like, in a hurry, so can I have it quick?"

"No, you can not."

The customer suddenly reels back in shock like she literally, could not, even believe what he'd just said. "Excuse me?"

"Does everyone around here have hearing problems or something?" Hyungwon sighs, commenting not-so-under-his-breath. It definitely doesn't go unheard and by now Kihyun is ascertain that his new-hire doesn't do it on purpose. He just simply doesn't give two shit. "No, _ma'am_ you can't have your order."

"What?" the girl scoffs. "Why the fuck not?"

"Because you need to have better tastes. And I also wouldn't be working at a place that sells that overpriced basic ass shit," Hyungwon quips without even batting an eyelash. "Now what else would you like?" 

"What I'd _like_ , is for you to get my order!"

"Okay, do you also want a side of pepper fries with all that salt?" asks Hyungwon, pressing some random keys on the register. "Or are those empty calories you're stuffing your face with isn't killing you enough from the inside?"

 

"Wow, he's even more savage than you are," comments Jooheon, who had purposely returned only to add his unnecessary commentary, but also to get a better view of the argument (or more like one-sided murder). He's really way more amused than he should be. 

"He's going to ruin us!" Kihyun finally says, horrified, "we don't even _sell_ pepper fries!" 

"Really?" Jooheon pans, "that's what you took out of that conversation?" 

 

"Where is your manager?" the girl finally huffs, arms crossed indignantly, "I want to speak to him."

"Go ahead honey," Hyungwon shrugs, "but if I were you, the only person I'd want to speak to is a dietician."

The girl's jaw drops and hangs ajar, absolutely speechless. And Kihyun finally decides that now was the time to intervene. "Uh, Hyungwon? A moment please?" the employer calls, head peeping out of the doorway as he waves Hyunwoo over to placate their potential lawsuit. The new-hire just heaves another sigh before walking over to the backroom, leaving Hyunwoo to appease the fuming customer (which honestly didn't take much because being mad at Hyunwoo is like the exact equivalent to punching your own childhood teddy bear).

"Was that necessary?" Kihyun frowns, crossing his arms passively. Minhyuk meanwhile, watches from afar, wondering where did all the cut-throat criticism and stone-cold snark that he throws at them on daily basis disappeared to.

Hyungwon pretends to think it over a bit, "Probably not if she had better tastes and wasn't an overly entitled brat."

"Yes, well, you're going to meet a whole lot of shitty customers," Kihyun exhales, pinching the bridge of his nose, "you can't just cuss them all out!"

"I can't?" Hyungwon fakes a disappointed sigh, "does it even matter? It's not like my one-dimensional personality is going to get much character development within this chapter anyways."

"...What was that?"

"Nothing," Hyungwon brushes him off with a yawn. "Anyways, I think I got the gist of it. So you can leave me alone now."

"...Really?" Kihyun says, slightly doubtful.

Hyungwon shrugs, "You're the employer. You can always fire me after."

That seems to be enough for Kihyun, who just nods, convinced. "Good point. Move along."

"What?!" exclaims Minhyuk, who immediately runs back after Hyungwon leaves the room. "You're just gonna let him off like that?!"

Kihyun shrugs, "I've put up with all of you, what's another one going to change?"

"Favouritism," Minhyuk cries in defeat, "favouritism everywhere."

"Sue me," Kihyun spat at him before walking out, taking his newspaper and morning coffee along with him. He walks over to his usual corner table, only to also find Wonho nearby, looking blankly into the distance with a lollipop in his mouth. Well, whatever, he couldn't care less about how Wonho decides to waste his life. But when a hint of green slips away from the waiter's lips, even the employer had to do a double take. 

"Is that... lime? I though you hated lime?"

"Hate is a strong word," Wonho replies, taking the lollipop out of his mouth, but still very evidently distracted Kihyun notes. What is he even staring at? "I thought I disliked lime too, but now I don't think he's that bad."

That one calls for a mandatory squinting, "What did you just say?"

"Lime's great. You should try it," Wonho smiles dreamily, until he realised what he'd said and frowns at his employer instead, "actually no, don't. Lime is mine. Don't touch lime."

That's it. Kihyun finally resigns. He's done with this cafe. He's done with his shitty employees. He's done with fucking everythi––

"Hey Kihyun, we got good news," Kwangji announces from the doorway, "Changkyun said we just broke the sale records again. At this rate we actually might sell all those beans!"

"Really?!" Kihyun gawks, silently weeping in happiness as he thanks the gods above.  _Stay strong,_  Kihyun thinks,  _stay strong_.

_After all, you can always just fire their asses after you make the banks. Stay strong._

Kwangji then raises a brow. "...You do realise you just said that aloud right?"

 

"...Fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big shoutout to wonhui from svt for their cameo bc i am lowkey SVTxMX trash. pls support both groups bc they both deserve it!!1!1!
> 
>  
> 
> this is also an unfortunate psa to announce that the next chapter will probably be updated even later than this one (weeps) bc uni is coming back for my ass. #lifehappens


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